• Stephen Burckhardt

Craziest Writing Distraction Ever


So . . . we got a new umbrella for our patio.

This is great because I can write sitting out on the balcony now that the weather is nice again. However, today, it is proving to be a bit challenging to stay focused on writing a western when I feel like I'm in some weird sci-fi/horror flick.

Let me explain.

It's fairly early in the morning and the sun is still low in the sky. I set up the patio to settle in and write in the fresh air for a few hours. I open the patio umbrella, put the cushion on my chair, a cloth over the table, and set down my industrial sized cup of coffee and a plate with four frozen Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies.

I was just about to start writing a blog when Shaggy began begging for a cookie. Since dogs cannot have chocolate, I got up to go get him one of his treats. I try not to gag as I give him a dehydrated chicken foot.

Shaggy takes his treasure and runs off as I go back to my place on the patio. I settle in my chair as I take a drink of coffee. After setting my cup back down, I place my laptop in my lap (seems like the appropriate place for it) and as I wait for my computer to start up I reach for a cookie.

What my hand hit first confused me for a minute. It was a little spongy and sticky but gave way as I pushed my hand forward. I pulled my hand back instinctively and looked at it.

I had a cobweb on my hand. I looked around the table but could not see any sign of a spider, other than the web on my hand. And more odd than that, the cobweb had been built over my cookie plate in just the time it took for me to walk inside, hand Shaggy a treat, and walk back outside again. What kind of Ninja spiders do we have here?

I wiped the web off my hand and took another big drink of coffee to help dispel the heebie jeebies I was feeling. I tried to put the incident out of my mind and proceeded to log into my webpage.

The morning was unusually quiet and I decided I needed a little music to add to the noise in my background. I can't work if it's quiet, it's distracting. So I get up and go into the house to get my Bluetooth speaker. I come back out, place it on the table, connect my phone to it, and pick a playlist to listen to.

As I settle in again, I reach for another cookie only to feel the same sticky, stretchy sensation. Again I pull my hand back and look at it. This time there is more webbing than before and I was in the house for just a few minutes!

I search the table and the surrounding area for any signs of the spider doing this.

Nothing!

Looking at the table I found it fascinating that the only place I could see any webbing was over my cookies. It is as if the spider was using it as bait to trap something. Me? I can almost hear him plotting.

"The next time he goes inside, I'm going to make my trap even bigger and this time i will surely capture him! I will eat like a king forever and never have to hunt for a meal again!" Then the spider laughs maniacally while rubbing two of his legs together in melodrama villain style.

And people wonder why I take so long to write at times, this is why! Things like this happen and I go off into my own little world, in an epic life or death battle with a ninja spider using Girl Scout cookies as bait.

I will get on track now that this is out of my system and hope to have a good portion of chapter one written and a first edit pass done today. The thing that worries me is, I need to go get more coffee and who knows what ninja spider will do now that I have finished off the Girl Scout cookies. God only knows his evil plans. Wish me luck!

Thanks for following my insanity.

Stephen

Update: Before I was even able to press send on this blog, he struck again! While I was distracted writing, my stealthy foe was able to lay another trap. With the cookies gone, he used the only other bait available to him, my coffee!!

As I was rereading this and preparing to post it, I mindlessly reached for my coffee and took a drink only to end up with a web in my mouth! This stealthy ninja spider was able to weave a web over the top of my coffee cup as it sat beside me and I never saw a trace of him! My foe is formidable but I will not fall this day! The epic battle continues!

(Seriously, see why it's so hard to get things done around here? My imagination is like a bag of squirrels on crack sometimes.)


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